redconfession | Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths Review

I’ve been going through my DVD list to watch some things, and I came across my Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths DVD. I had planned to watch it the weekend it came out with some friends, but let’s just say my ex-boyfriend ruined that plan for me, and so it’s been sitting there, untouched, since today. I had seen the previews for it online, and, as a fan of the Justice League TV show (I don’t read many DC comics other than Booster Gold and Batman & Robin), I was excited for it.

From the very beginning, I was excited. The art seemed a little too faux-animeish for my tastes (at least it wasn’t Teen Titans style), but it still had a unique JL look to it. I also knew that the voice acting, although not the actors from the TV series, was top notch, so I was really looking forward to that as well. However, as the story progressed, I became increasingly disinterested.

It certainly wasn’t the story’s fault—it was engaging, it made sense, and although I wasn’t the biggest DC nerd, capable of following it and identifying most of the hero cameos (I still have know idea who the hell break-dance guy was in the beginning). There was swearing, which is always fun to hear superman curse. The fight scenes were incredible.

So what lost my interest? The voice acting.

Normally in this situation, the problems are usually with the women. This isn’t a misogyny thing, it’s just I tend to find the women less expressive than the guys. In this movie, however, it was the total opposite. The women were rocking the inflection. From the president’s daughter (who I wasn’t sure why I was supposed to care about her or why she so desperately wanted to get into J’onn’s pants) to Wonder Woman, when the ladies talked, I paid attention. The only exception there was Super Woman or whoever. She's voiced by Gina Torres, aka Zoe from Firefly. She kept saying she was a crazy psychopath, but she had the dullest voice there was. It wasn’t cold, it wasn’t sadistic, it was just… monotone. I think she would have made a much better bad-ass if she just sounded as evil as she claimed to be.

The guys on the other hand… Snore. They all talked with one note and they were usually too busy trying to sound self-important that they forgot to act. Considering that’s where all the major voice acting was coming from, that’s a pretty sad sight. I love James Woods. Shark was my favorite TV show at the time when it was on. Hercules is a cool movie because he’s in it. James Woods as Owlman spoke between a maximum of three notes the entire movie. Most of the time it was one note. James Woods is known for being crazy, and they gave him the most subdued part. WTF?

Mark Harmon was Superman. Superman is known for two things: his boyscout attitude and his angry one. He did neither. Instead he sort of whined the whole time and I kept thinking how Gibbs would not want to associate himself with this character.

The only decent one was Chris Noth as Luthor. He, you know, actually got angry and sad and stuff. It was refreshing, because no one else did that crap.

As for things plotwise, it was a good movie. The fate of the world was at stake, and the heroes sought to stop it. Which world? Well, it started out as just the two worlds, but wound up being all of them. It’s good to see the Justice League in a story where the stakes are so high.

I just wish that half of them had a reason for being there. Batman wasn’t in half the damn movie and then it became the batman movie (more on that later). Superman beat up a chick then held alternate steroids-ridden Jimmy Olsen and bitched at the president. Flash… ran really fast and made witty one liners. GL… um… used his ring and stuff; maybe he talked. Maybe. J’onn fought for a bit, then REALLY wanted to get into the president’s daughters pants for reasons no one bothers to explain. Wonder Woman at least stole a jet and progressed the plot. It’s great that they’re in it, but there’s no real reason for most of them to be there at any given time other than “well it’s my job.” Give them something at stake, that’s what makes things interesting.

My major beef with the movie is what they do with Batman. He isn’t even in half the damn movie, and the second he becomes important again the writers seem to forget anyone else exists, as the movie solely becomes focused on Batman. Hell, the final fight scene is just him and Owlman on a deserted Earth Prime. The rest of the heroes (and villains) just sort of sit there and DO NOTHING. Well, except for the evil flash, but he’s just running in place (sort of).

It certainly wasn’t a bad movie, but the lack of a good justice league story and the voice acting kept me from liking it more. The Spectre short on the DVD, on the other hand, left me wanting more.